I have my own smoking story, but all I will say is this. There are so many moments where I resent the fact that smoking and smoke breaks are what they are and some days there is a deep, deep wish in me to be a smoker again. To just feel the drag, the hit, the breathe out. Smoking is meditation, and without it I have entirely lost the art of that.
This resonated, though giving up for me was like my life beginning. It’s been 28 years since I gave up now and I’m so glad I did, it opened the world of my body to me. But you definitely remind me of how it felt to smoke!
It literally becomes a new life -- or more/better life -- when you stop smoking. A lot feels immediately improved once the itch to smoke has become manageable, and I find it so heartening that all kinds of physical improvements keep happening every day that you stop. But there were benefits to smoking that, however paltry they are in comparison to good health, still demand acknowledgement. It's not cool to say it but it's not untrue.
yes though I am loath to agree, I do. My mum died a few months ago and since then I still feel the feeling between my fingers of a cigarette/joint - I don't want one really but there is something of the ritual that I want as support, still, somehow! perhaps within that desire there is also a self harming aspect? I'm not sure, it's possible.
I know exactly what you mean: the urge is encoded physically...I can imagine exactly what you mean about knowing the feeling of the cigarette between your fingers. Maybe it has self-harming aspects to it, but that doesn't feel true for me because I started before I really understood how bad smoking really is for you. What feels truer is 'self-soothing'...like a toddler sucking on a dummy when they are feeling tired or stressed, even though they're supposed to be 'too big for a dummy'. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. That must be hard.
I think for me it could be a mix of both soothing and harming - from the perspective of fuck it I don’t care anymore rather than I want to hurt myself. But soothing yes, anything for a bit of that! Yes loosing my mum has been super tough.
I have my own smoking story, but all I will say is this. There are so many moments where I resent the fact that smoking and smoke breaks are what they are and some days there is a deep, deep wish in me to be a smoker again. To just feel the drag, the hit, the breathe out. Smoking is meditation, and without it I have entirely lost the art of that.
There is such a strong feeling of release in what you are describing. I know exactly what you mean.
This resonated, though giving up for me was like my life beginning. It’s been 28 years since I gave up now and I’m so glad I did, it opened the world of my body to me. But you definitely remind me of how it felt to smoke!
It literally becomes a new life -- or more/better life -- when you stop smoking. A lot feels immediately improved once the itch to smoke has become manageable, and I find it so heartening that all kinds of physical improvements keep happening every day that you stop. But there were benefits to smoking that, however paltry they are in comparison to good health, still demand acknowledgement. It's not cool to say it but it's not untrue.
yes though I am loath to agree, I do. My mum died a few months ago and since then I still feel the feeling between my fingers of a cigarette/joint - I don't want one really but there is something of the ritual that I want as support, still, somehow! perhaps within that desire there is also a self harming aspect? I'm not sure, it's possible.
I know exactly what you mean: the urge is encoded physically...I can imagine exactly what you mean about knowing the feeling of the cigarette between your fingers. Maybe it has self-harming aspects to it, but that doesn't feel true for me because I started before I really understood how bad smoking really is for you. What feels truer is 'self-soothing'...like a toddler sucking on a dummy when they are feeling tired or stressed, even though they're supposed to be 'too big for a dummy'. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. That must be hard.
I think for me it could be a mix of both soothing and harming - from the perspective of fuck it I don’t care anymore rather than I want to hurt myself. But soothing yes, anything for a bit of that! Yes loosing my mum has been super tough.
Oh, yes, I see what you mean! Yes! I understand. I get that.
This almost makes me feel resentful that I never started smoking. Wonderful writing
This is brilliant
Thanks for these lovely smoky nostalgic thoughts
Those were the days...